failure.
I thought at least some of the pressure to be a perfect mom would ease with the second child. I learned a lot with Ben. I learned that no baby abides by the books even though I thought I already knew that. I learned that as soon as I think I have it all together it will inevitably fall apart. I learned that a clean house and dinner on the table at 5:30pm isn't always realistic. Believe it or not, I have learned to chill a little, go with the flow more and not fight against the constant changes. But there is still so much more to learn. The lesson I am learning with Nate - Just because my baby doesn't do what I want/need him to do, I am not a failure as a mother. Oh how I wish I could learn that lesson an easier way.
I recently posted about Nate's sleeping issues and then proudly announced that he was sleeping well again after a few long sleepless weeks. But alas, the good sleep only lasted about three nights and we have been back to 2-3 wakings a night and I am back to the sleep-deprived version on myself. Life with a curious two and a half year old and ministry responsibilities continues on with no regard for my sleep issues.
It is even exhausting trying to smile and tell people that "this too shall pass" or it's just a part of motherhood that we all go through or to pretend that I'm not as bothered by this as I really am. I like to abide by the adage "fake it 'till you make it." If I get up and get myself dressed and ready for the day and pretend that I'm not exhausted, I generally have a better day. When I wake up feeling hung over from little sleep and pull my hair back and forego the make-up, I generally have a more frustrating day. Neither one fixes my ultimate problem though - Nate is waking a lot during the night and the only way that I can get him back to sleep is to nurse him. I have tried to let him cry a little. I have tried rocking him. I have tried patting and shhhing. Only nursing works.
So, the only thing I have left is to feel terribly defeated as a mother. I don't have a clue why my baby isn't sleeping. I don't have a clue how to help him sleep better. I don't have a clue how to not feel like a failure right now.
2 comments:
Not a failure or defeated. I am a typical male and would like to offer all sorts of opinions on how to fix this but I can imagine how well received advice from a non-parent would be under the best of circumstances, much less while sleep deprived. So, I will refrain from offering you any advice and merely thank you for providing yet another reason I need to call my mom and tell her I love her. Did I mention that there are only 18 months between Mark and me and that we and she survived it all? :)
Amber, I am just now catching up all my blog reading. Thanks for sharing. I am grateful for your honesty and vulnerability -- and I know it's an encouragement for all moms out there including myself. :) So thanks for being brave and putting it out there!
And each baby is different. Some babies sleep through the night by themselves, and others, well, no matter what you do, they won't. So it reflects each baby's temperament and not on the mommy! So hopefully, you won't put so much pressure on yourself! :)
You are an awesome mom, Amber! And such NOT a failure!
And besides, the books don't know everything. They don't know your child. And say if you put 2 baby books side by side (Dr. Sear's Attachment Parenting VERSUS Ezzo's Babywize), the definition of "success" are going to be TOTAL opposites. :) So either way...you are going to be successful, depending on what book you look at! :)
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